ADDICTED TO LOVE

Wowza here it is. Finally. Have I been putting if off because it's too overwhelming to try to explain all the emotions that went into this race? You betcha.
The freezing cold running. The early buzz of the alarm clock. The endless laps on the track. The fear of leading Becky astray.... it was all worth it. Best 13.1 miles of my life.

The morning of the race, after I forced myself to eat a toasted egg sandwich and a few sips of Gat0rade, I lay in bed trying to fall back asleep. My mind was racing with a jumbled mess of thoughts "Do I know the coarse well enough not to get us lost?" "Will I be too slow for Becky?" "Will we finish without any major obstacles or will we have to walk the last 4 miles?" Finally I dragged my jittery body out of bed and went to look in the mirror. I needed to figure out why I was racing today. I decided this race marked another beginning to a huge step foreword in my life. (more on that tomorrow.) I returned to the bed, knelt down and prayed. I asked God "to allow me to be the eyes Becky needed today and for our legs to carry us to the finish." It's go time.

We started with a pace that we both thought would be manageable to maintain and we absolutely did. We ran 45 sec/min mile faster than I had planned and we kept that tempo through mile 9. We nonchalantly said, "Gosh, I thought this was going to be a little harder!"  By mile 11 we were eating our words as our legs began to turn to sludge. Then mile 12 hit and we decided to pick up the pace and rock it out the last mile. We excitedly approached the finish line and when I witnessed the sweetest act of love. I glanced over as Becky's husband hurdled the barricade and jumped in the race next to his wife. The most endearing look of pure excitement, joy and pride for his wife consumed his face. He was so happy to see her finish that race he could hardly contain himself. It was totally rewarding to be a part of that.

(come to find out later... everyone was worried about us because we were so "slow." But Becky and I were super proud of our time and beat our goal.)

Just a few of the best advantages of running with Becky is the constant conversation companion, total trust and belief in one another, and all the extra cheers we would get because she's so awesome. I think every person who passed us took her courage as an inspiration to find gratitude in their bodies. I hope it made them surprisingly aware of what a gift it is to be able to run. It is a gift I've come to find total joy in. I can't believe I'm so lucky to be her guide runner. I love it.

So despite the fact that we came in much slower than our fans expected... I think we're addicted. We'll see you at the SLC 1/2 Marathon this April. Just look for the two awesome chicks tied together, running, and smiling.




Mucho gratitudo goes out to my one and only MR KDAY and his side kick BUCA. Becky's family, Mr. Messell and his entourage, the super sign makers - my big brother and his fabu- fam, and the R.Nells for their warmth and hospitality!

GONNA BE ON 0PRAH.... someday + A WICKED NEW SLOGAN

Most people take every OPPORTUNITY to make an EXCUSE.... I'm making every EXCUSE to take an OPPORTUNITY.

SistaC- supervising 6 kids at the park before her lap swim

You like my new slogan? I freaking LOVE IT! SistaC got my wheels turning (literally and figuratively) while I was riding my bike home from the Lap Swim Pool. 

You see, three of us mom's who want to be fit, healthy, active, happy women have banned together to allow ourselves the chance to exercise without sacrificing time with our children. Sure anyone can pawn off their kids to a built in daycare at the gym (ew gross - don't get me started on the germ thing - OR the boringness of running on a treadmill!) But can you train for a triathlon with your baby on your hip? We can. 

This week Layla cheerfully hopped into the Chariot bike trailer and with baby in tow - I rode my bike down to the pool (4 miles). I met up with SistaC + 2 kids and L-dub with her +3 kids (twins to boot!) Us mom's rotated 20 min in the pool for lap swimming with 20 min of being

0cto-mom on the playground with the kids.  After my hard swim, Lady fell asleep in the bike trailer once more on our 4 mile ride home.

Sista C brought up the point that a lot of people would make the excuse that they don't have time to exercise or train because they have kids, too busy, no money for a gym pass etc. That's crap.  I thought about SC's comment. There is always a reason to make an excuse. I've come up with some rad ones in the past. But excuses void opportunities and I've missed out on too many awesome opportunities in this life because making an excuse was easier. My life is now, opportunity to live - and live active is now. My excuse is simple - I was busy looking for opportunities to live MY life. 

Next week I plan to do it all over again- except once home, swap out the bike trailer attachment for the jogger wheel and get in a run if afterward.  Swim-bike-run

Ya baby! Maybe SC's idea that 0prah will praise us someday for our awesomeness will come true... maybe 0prah will even buy us all new cars! ---- eh, I'll ask for a new bike instead ;)

GAME FACE

Dear Triathlon swim,

You haven't seen the best of me yet. I will conquer you... it might take a while. But you will not beat me. Watch your back.

Sincerely,

Sday swimming

ATHENA ATHELETE

Athena: Not the hottest of Goddesses... in my humble opinion.

What is an Athena Athlete? For all 2 of you who read my blog - here is the answer. In some athletic events - such as some running races and most all triathlons, there is an "Athena Division." It the fat girl club. No offense to you Athena's who are only in that division because you're tall and skinny but still weigh over the weight requirements :) To register in the Athena division you must weigh in at or above 150 lbs. It makes racing against other athletes your age a little less "doable" so that we're not always coming in last place. We're the "slow" ones..... 

or are we?

Athena: is the Goddess of wisdom, warfare and crafts. I would agree with all three points. I consider competition (races) WAR. I am in it to win it. But my question to myself this year is "To race age division or Athena?" Yes my weight says I'm an Athena, but last time I raced against only 1 other person and of coarse took 1st place (2nd is not an option). Not really a race if you ask me. However, if I race in my age division - it's not really a race either because I'll get smoked, killed, handed to... or whatever you want to call it when someone comes in dead last and wasn't even in the running for a possible win. There is no way I could be an actual "competitor" in my age division, given my weight and less than awesome physical fitness level. But racing against myself and 2-3 other people is boring. (Some who know me might call it the "monica" in me.) 

Although my "body" says Athena - my "heart" says competitor. 

I haven't filled out the registration forms for my next two triathlons in August. The Jordanelle Tri and the Bear Lake Brawl. I'll probably only race the sprint distances for both (I toyed with the idea of the Olympic distance in Bear Lake -- but after my run yesterday - there's no way I could train hard enough to recover from my 6 weeks of laziness.) but I'm torn about which division to register in. 

Either way, I've decided that NOW is the time to ACHIEVE my goals. I said I was going to do it... and although I'm still insecure and embarrassed at the sight of my arms - I'm competing in a tank top. Sick. 

IT'S TIME TO EMBRACE THE ATHENA IN ME.... AND THEN MOVE ON TO BETTER THINGS.

ALL MY MIGHT

I'M TRYING TO EMBRACE THIS MENTALITY... WITH ALL MY MIGHT.

CLICK HERE FOR THE AWESOME POST.

Despite my weight being up 15 lbs from this time last year.

Despite my inability to fit into most of my clothes.

Despite the fact that I'm eating well and working my "A" off in the pool, on the road and on the bike....

And despite my weight not budging on the scale -

I'm really trying to love the body I have.

How do I shut off the voice telling me I'll never be enough until I reach my goal weight? 

WHAT ARE YOU FOR?

I am for Bikes.
So I joined People for Bikes.... you should too.




I'm trying to find some motivation to start training on the bike for my upcoming events... cant seem to muster up the drive. Swimming is easier when it's 100 degrees outside. And running is more enjoyable.
But mostly, I just hate spandex.

This one is an oldie but goodie.... I guess I'll get on the saddle and ride.

LIVE 'N LET RUN

Some people do it for the sticker. I did it for a different reason. 

I've chosen to live and run. I love both choices. There were times where it's obvious running wasn't a choice for me... and sometimes I didn't want to chose to live either. But those times are past and this weekend was proof. I ran harder and farther than I've ever imagined in my life. Over 21 miles in less than 24 hours.

I AM..... SDAY RUNNING. 

Rad team, funny as heck, punch drunk with fatigue in the middle of the night.... good good times.
You had to be there to laugh at these "one liners" but I just had to do it:
"Dad, you have something stuck to your butt."
"I was a scout master... so I know a lot about space."
"So, is there a reason why you're driving in the left lane."
"Shut your pie-hole and run"
"The sound of Kday laughing so hard he was going to choke on his cheese burger"
"Ya, we have half a tank of gas..."
"This baby doesn't turn so well, but listen to it purr like a kitten."

 Our finish time 29 hours and 19 min.

129 place out of 658 in our category

Average finish time is 32 hours

We rocked.

Bumped Back... a little.

The Wasatch Back is in 23 days. I haven't been running in the last two weeks. It's time to face the music and just get out and do it already. I have the longest total distance of the race at 21+ miles. I'm FREAKING OUT.
The farthest I've EVER run in a day is 9 miles. Sun-of-a! It's go time.
Unfortunately I have to say I FAILED to meet my first goal of the year. My weight is no where near my 140 mark. In fact, I'm farther from it now than I've been in 3 months. Stupid.
Well, that just means I'm normal like everyone else and that my goals aren't always perfectly obtainable. The weight goal is still there... I'm just bumping it back to July 6th. Layla's Birthday Party. It's gonna be close. It's going to take some seriously demanding efforts and NO CHEATING OR PUTTING IT OFF UNTIL NEXT WEEK.

Day 1.

-0.2 lbs 

Heading out for a 6 mile run.

Then mowing the lawn.

Calorie intake: so far 740/ 1200

Feeling: Motivated. 

WELL WORTH THE WAIT...

Mothers Day.

Used to dread it, hate it, feel sorry for myself. (which this year I wondered why? It's just 1 day a year that we "celebrate" mother's... I don't get mad when we celebrate Veterans day because I'm not a Vet. Or Memorial day because I'm not dead. So why did I always get so upset over it?)

This year was perfection. I didn't feel silly at church when they handed out gifts, I completely expected the breakfast that was prepared for me. I was in 7th heaven. Kday even commented on how much more enjoyable this holiday is now. Poor guy, used to get the wrath of an infertile woman. Walking on eggshells on Mother's Day is a thing of the past for that sweet man of mine.

This year we celebrated. We didn't celebrate me. We celebrated the chance that we've been given to be parents. We focused on all the crazy little things about motherhood that I adore. No it's not always rainbows and cupcakes... but those MAMA moments, that is what I celebrated this year.

I couldn't take my hands or lips or eyes off Lady all day. She was smothered in kisses, dressed to a T and down right obsessed over all day. She is the strongest person I know. She stood before the Lord and said, "yes, I will leave my fate on Earth to someone else's free agency to decide. I will count on you God to guide and prompt my birth mother to give me an eternal family. But if she choses not to, I will still go and be valiant." Layla took a risk. And I reaped the reward.

Oh how words can not describe how I cherish her. It's as if our hearts beat for each other.

We celebrated with this beautiful print that Kday made for Lady's room. To remind us of how far we've come.

Her signature bird was included... as always.

Kday's oldest sister hosted a superb gathering of food and mingling

Then we enjoyed our Lady love...

Thank you Lady's Birth Angel for sacrificing your own desires for the love and welfare of your beautiful child. You have walked in the footsteps of Christ and your humility and charity are the most precious gifts you have given your angel baby. I will forever celebrate the chance I have to be a mother, but it was because of your willingness to listen to the still small voice of the Lord, who guided you to us. I remember you and Him everyday when I pick up Lady with her arms outstretched for me... I am her Mama. I am in love.

CONQUERING CRESTWOOD - Part II

... But I don't. And then I reach the top, cars swooshing pass on the highway. Holy smokes... I did it! It wasn't pretty and it wasn't fast. I turn south and push into the headwind with long- strong strides. I try to control the small grin on my face as I continue down the highway against rush hour traffic. I wonder if the drivers think I'm crazy for taking my precious cargo on this busy road. I wonder the same thing. I gaze ahead and see an approaching cyclist. Before our eyes even meet I feel him looking at me, smiling at Layla and then at me. It wasn't the typical "avoid eye contact with the fat girl so she doesn't think you like her" scenario. Instead, I felt a brief moment of acceptance and worth. His smile and simple nod felt as though he was saying to Layla, "Wow you are one lucky baby, you have a great mom who is out here doing something hard." I felt accepted. We finally cross the highway and head down the steep road home. I take a break from staring at the road in front of me, I look up at the setting sun on the Great Salt Lake. And there it is.... I found it. A feeling that women spend a lifetime trying to create. I felt Beautiful. I couldn't shake the enormous smile that overwhelmed my face, I couldn't hide the goosebumps across my entire body, and my eyes couldn't hold back the swelling of salty wetness that began to fill them. Beautiful was the blatant contrast of how I looked, but it was the genuine glow from within that consumed my soul and I couldn't contain it. I cried for four blocks. I did it. I conquered Crestwood and much more. I know the feeling of inner beauty if fleeting but as long as my legs will carry me, I will won't stop running. It feels too good.

CONQUERING CRESTWOOD - Part I

 

I went for a run with C yesterday the kids came with us and we perused our way through our town and picked out our future fixer-upper homes, as if we were both made of money. We finished our run at her house and after swapping birthday party ideas I re-packed Layla up in the Chariot and I casually mentioned that I was going to jaunt up Crestwood and then down the highway back home. Before I turned off C's side street I was already wishing I had bit my tongue and just headed straight home. But too late, I said it out loud and I had to prove to myself that I'm not the slob that I feel like when I look in the mirror. 

So I ran, trotted really. Barely even a jog. Up Crestwood, I steered Layla toward the eastern mountain range and passed the quiet cemetery. Should I hurry and turn around and take the short cut home before I'm too committed? "No Sday! Keep your feet moving, I don't care if a speed walker could pass you. You are not a quitter." I continued to push. Push myself, my legs, my heart, my baby... up the steep hill. Another jogger rounds the corner from Thornfield and heads up the hill in front of me. I try to catch her and the only response my legs will give me is the threat to seize up. My glutes and hamstrings were revolting against this sad attempt to redeem myself after eating an entire bag of D0ve chocolates... but I ignored their message. I pushed harder. She disappeared. "Who cares, she's not pushing a baby up the hill with one hand." 

I scope out each repaired crack in the road, covered in a thick stripe of tar. It's the perfect temporary finish line, just make it to that next crack.... and then the next, and the next. I think of stopping. 

ONE STEP BACK

Gross, gross and double gross. I woke up this morning feeling fairly decent after having a terrific week of motivated running, eating, and crafting. I showered before Lady was up, did my hair and makeup and went to the closet to figure out what to wear. 15 stupid outfits tossed to the corner of the room because all I could see in the mirror is the grossness that my body is today. (if you're already thinking about leaving a pitty comment - then you can stop reading now and don't comment - It won't be held against your MWCC score.) I really just need to get this junk out of my brain and onto paper so I can get on with my day and hope that tomorrow will be a better one.
This blog is about "finding sday" and sometimes I'm afraid to admit that I've allowed myself to think that I'm closer to my goal weight than I really am. Then SMACK! Reality hits me like slap to the ego and I see in the mirror the truth about how far away from being comfortable in my body I really am. I had to put on a sweatshirt today people. A not even cute sweatshirt. Just something to cover up my spare tire. My spare tire mocks me. It tells me that no matter what I do, eat or change... it's who I am and it will never leave me a lone. I get disgusted with myself and the sad part is - that disgust doesn't make me want to work harder, it makes me want to climb back in bed and start the day over.

So I know I've come two steps foreword in the quest for finding sday and yesterday I would have told you "I feel great," but today I took one step back. I won't let it stop me and I won't keep complaining about this place I stand. I must accept where I am before I can move foreword. I'll do it tomorrow. 

Today, is a stupid pink sweatshirt rainy day. 

                                             

SELF COMPASSION.... sometimes easier said than done

I sat down last night to write and submit "my story" to Ragnar Relay. (they asked people to write in to share why we're racing, ie: for a cure, to inspire, for fitness.)  I sifted through pictures of my past and I remembered the pain. If you look closely you'll see it in my eyes. You'll see the forced smile that hides the guilt and disgust.

I used to HATE the girl in these pictures. I used to beat her up and tell her what a waste of human space she was. But now I embrace her for her strength and ability to try to smile through the internal pain. I owe my current state of health to that poor girl...

I am where I am today - because she made me strive to be better. The old Sday was hurting and she was just trying her best with the situation she was in at the time. It does no good to hate her anymore. I love her for not giving up. It's hard to avoid the cycle of negative self talk, but it's not worth the pain. Instead, self compassion is the route that will help me heal my past wounds and move foreword as I continue my search for the new Sday.

DON'T CRY - JUST RUN

"SEVEN POINT ZERO TWO AND SUB ELEVEN"
The title says it all. 

Today started out upside down and rotten.

I wanted to stay in bed until tomorrow so I could start all over.

 But then I went for a run. 

The first three miles sucked. 

I debated with every step to turn around and walk home.

I didn't even have headphones. 

Multiple times I felt like just stopping, screaming, and crying with the overwhelming frustration and anxiety that has been circling in my head for the past 6 days. 

But when I just kept running... the need to scream and cry dissipated little by little.

Mile by mile.

I continued.

My legs turned to jello (although not as yummy as the jello I made last night).

I ran

And ran

And ran

I ran the longest distance I've ever run consecutively.

7.02 miles

10:58 min per mile

1:14:27 total time
Sub 11 min/mile is slow. Really slow. But for me.... it's a personal best.

I think I feel a little better. 

SCHFIFTEEN-TEEN

K folks. The last 30 days have been dedicated to taking me one step closer to my goal weight. It's been a rough 30 days. But as I look foreword to reaching 140 lbs I get more nervous that I won't make it. 

My whole life has always been the story of the girl who almost made it, or just wasn't quite good enough, or lucky for 2nd place. I want to stop that cycle right here. Today. 

I am down a total of 17.4 lbs down (that includes the weight I lost before I started this 30 day hell) and I have 15.4 to get down to my goal. I am consumed with a wave of panic when I think about that huge number Fifteen. Also when I think about maintaining my goal... I am completely overwhelmed. I haven't weighed 140 since college tennis. And even then I had to take stupid measures to get there. 

But this time there will be no stupid or drastic measures. It's about TOTAL HEALTH, not a dress size or the actual number on the scale. It's about going to bed at night and feeling strong for the choices I made to take care of my body and spirit by exercising and eating well. It's about FINDING S.DAY

Have you seen her?

18 days feels like 18 years

18 days left on the low carb - low cal diet. Ugh, I don't know if I can make it. 

Lack of posting is due to my total efforts being put into not cheating the diet and trying to focus on a stress reliever other than food. Running, Walking, Hiking, Reading, Cleaning are some that work almost as well as shoving a giant piece of bread into my mouth. But 18 days sure feels like the worlds longest amount of time. 

Repeat after me:

"it's worth it, your health will improve, don't give up, you deserve to reach your goal weight, Layla deserves a healthy happy mom that can run around in circles with her. Enjoy the journey" 

LAYING ALL OUT ON THE TABLE

Ok, I have already listed my 2010 goal related to weight loss. However, I have more goals in mind. I'm determined to make it a great year of physical fitness. D.E.T.E.R.M.I.N.E.D

So, I must list the goals. You see, I function on deadlines and being held accountable by others. Yes, I'm sorry, I am one of those people. If a teacher suggested we read chapter 21 in the book to assist us with our worksheet... I didn't read it. If a teacher said, there will be a quiz on chapter 21 tomorrow in class at 8:00 am. I read the chapter at 7:55 am and aced the test. So I must be held accountable by you lovely people and I must have deadlines. Here we go:

Wasatch Back Relay Race June 18-19 : Goal to weigh in at 140 lbs on or before race day

Spudman Team Triathlon July 31: Beat my minute/mile swim time by at least 2 minutes

Ogden Valley Triathlon September 13: I will wear a racerback tank top and feel comfortable                                                                                                  with my arms and shoulders being visible to the public eye. (sounds dumb, but I've always been embarrassed by my arms.. even in my college tennis days)

Green Valley Tennis Turkey Bowl November 26-28: Wear an nike tennis dress (always the cutest desings... but very form fitting.) And make it to at least the 2nd round of the tournament.

I really hope that's not too ambitious. I will post proof of each goal whether I accomplish it, or fail miserably. Dang it's gonna be a GOOD YEAR! 

SPRING IS IN THE AIR

The sun was shining today. We went for a hike.

I carried Lady in her Joey wrap and she chit-chatted the whole way up the hill. 

( is it me just trying to stretch the truth... or does it kinda look like we have the same eyes in this picture?)

It was cold and muddy, but that just meant I could look foreword to doing Lady laundry when we returned home. 

Kashi really wanted to eat Lady's hat...

Lady really wanted to eat the sticks....

Neither one ate anything. But we had a great time getting fresh air and pumping some oxygen into my sore muscles. 

I think we'll make this a weekly event.

P.S. GOAL UPDATE: 7 lbs down, 25 to go with 115 days to go. That's less than 2 lbs per week.... totally do-able!  

V-DAY EXPERIENCE Part 2

I'm going to be brutally honest and admit that hiking up hill for 3.5 hours with my legs strapped to skis was really hard. Hard physically and emotionally for a few reasons.

A: I'm carrying about 20 more fat lbs than I'd like + the weight of my pack.

B: I'm a little bit out of shape in the cardiovascular department (especially in comparison to Kday and the other fit men, and the two women who are long distance endurance runners)

C: The ligaments in my right foot arch felt as though they were fraying from being stretched beyond the limits in a ski boot with zero padding or arch support.

(NOT TRYING TO MAKE EXCUSES HERE... PROMISE)

HOWEVER, WHAT I GAINED FROM THE VDAY EXPERIENCE:

It's been 2 years since I've found myself in the position of "fat girl in the back of the pack that's holding everyone up." As bad as it sucked to be that girl again.... it was a good reminder of how much I don't want to be her.

I decided to be proud of myself for at least being willing to try something so hard and coming to the conclusion that it might be worth trying again.

I have an AMAZING husband that stayed by my side and encouraged me every painful step of the way.

Kday's passion is somewhat masochistic in the way he loves to climb uphill via bike, ski, or whatever.... my passion is to ride to the top of the mountain in a gondola and then ski the 3 ft of powder.

My truest passion is really to spend long hours on a boiling hot tennis court in the frying heat of the sun, while running drills until I want to puke. Now that's fun!

So, to each his own. I enjoyed the company, the nature and the health that I do have. But we all don't have to love the same thing. Instead, we sacrifice for the ones we love, we share experiences. And sometimes we have to go up hill, as long as Kday is by my side... I'll go and try to enjoy.

STAY FOCUSED

(2000 Region Finals: match point... won in a 3 set tie break)

Today I "officially" return to the world of tennis. Since a 6 year hiatus after playing college tennis and a 2 year battle with the USTA to fix my current ranking... I'm back. My first match is today at 1:00 p.m.. It's REALLY nothing fancy, it's just local league matches that I'll be playing for now. I'm much more comfortable on the court as a singles player, but today they had to match me up for doubles. So my level of fear just jumped up 100 notches. If I'm on the court alone and make a mistake that costs me the match, there's no one to blame but myself and no one as disappointed as me. But in doubles, I have to live up to someone else's standard and hope that I don't cost them the match.

But I've always been a bit of a mental case on the court. I can rock the workouts and drills, but I'm a total head case once it's game time. This has sort of been the story for everything in my life. But I'm committing to make the change. Now more than ever, I'm staying focused and determined to reach my goals. My eye is on the target and I will not take it off. Whether it's my goal weight, my tennis goals to work my way back into a top ranked 4.5 intermountain player, or to start my new Hope Group (info coming soon), I'm doing it this time. NO EXCUSES.