MAMA Moment #4 - Mountain of JOY

How many times during your day, week, month or year... do you find yourself stopping dead in your tracks because your heart literally starts to flutter with so much happiness that it might just explode with glee for the very millisecond of life that you're experiencing?

 Hiking the steep terrain with Lady on my back wasn't the cause of my heart palpitations on Saturday. No, it was my soul tapping my heart... telling me to quietly pray in gratitude for the gift of life that day. We saw The Great Heart of Timpanogos on Saturday, but the size of my heart felt even bigger than the 2 ton beauty.
K.C and I were caught up in conversations about the ever so quickly approaching toddler years, our awesome children who put up with our shenanigans, and the breathtaking scenery at every switchback. The babies were rocked to sleep in their packs and K.C's 3 year old eagerly climbed the mountain without a single utterance of whininess. We weren't sure how the children would handle the 45 minute tour of the caves. Lady put up a bit of a quick fuss and to my own faulty thinking, I had left her treasured bunny with her pack about 1/2 mile down the trail - at the required "pack parking station." Resourceful thinking led me to substitute her bunny with a fleece hat... and alas she gave in to the sleep gods. She slept while we crept through the narrow passages of the caves and awoke just in time to enjoy lunch and the hike down.

The day was one of total reflection on the blessing of motherhood and good friends who are willing to put a little adventure on the agenda.

MAMA MOMENTS ON THE FARM

Although the human poodle sufficed for a complete experience at the Fair. K.C and I continued on to see the sights and live the experience to the fullest. A trip to the "Little Hands on the Farm" was in order. Lady sported a darling little apron and mini bushel basket. Did I mention how darling it was?
She filled her bushel with feed for the cows, picked apples, planted a carrot seed and then reaped the benefits of planting a garden. Something yours truly neglected this year.
She fell in love with a pink tractor, collected an egg and headed off to the farmers market where she made a killing. She sold her apple, carrot and egg for $1. She marched her little self over to the farm store where she shopped around for a snack. Spent her dollar and made out like a bandit.

When I was buckling her back into the Chariot my eyes swelled with tears. I tasted their salty dips run down my cheeks and across my lips. These experiences are what I day dreamed of when waiting to become a mama. Last Friday was another Mama Moment. I felt as if I had a light brighter than any human eyes could see - bursting out of my chest and shining across the world. I was so filled with joy for the moment I was in. I wiped my tear and squeezed my little Lady buglet and steered the Chariot toward the Sea Lion Show where we continued to have the funnest State Fair experience ever.

MAMA MOMENT ON THE BEACH

How could I not be totally overwhelmed with massive amounts of happiness while sharing Layla's first beach moments.

THE END

EXHALE AND EXCHANGE

Last week I realized I no longer had a need for the fifty gazillion burp rags in the cupboard, or the teensy tinesy hooded baby towels folded nicely in the closet... and all the other "baby paraphernalia" laying around the house. The first time I earned the right to enter the baby isle and not feel like an obvious outsider, I was in seventh heaven. I waited so so long to stock a nursery and pick out every detail and make it perfect. Well, now all that stuff is headed to storage. Wow that came fast. I was totally unprepared for the time to come to pack all that stuff up and move into toddlerhood. Duh shan, what did you think happens after an entire year of infancy!?
So after the cupboards were cleaned out, wiped down and re-stocked with new "big girl" items... I was having "baby product" withdrawals. So I bought this -

Layla's new ride --- Moo.

I've been avoiding the change from tiny snuggly baby to crawling wiggling child, from sleeping anywhere to whining everywhere, and doll size diapers to just dolls. Tonight after Lady woke up from her afternoon nap (another change... little to no morning nap - but an awesomely long pm nap) we just sat and played together. The Big Guy Upstairs continues to nudge my heart and remind me to STOP RESISTING and enjoy my ride with Lady. Oh, it's so so rad when I stop resisting her feisty-ness and I remind myself to live in the moment and at the very moment I stop... we totally connect. She'll look up at me and smile and the sparkle in her eyes speaks to me. It's like our spirits hugging and I need to always remember that sensation. 

So the baby rattles have been exchanged for "little people" circus trains and teething toys for doll houses. I'm excited for the change but a part of me aches with wonderment of whether those baby items will ever be extracted from storage and washed, folded and snuggled again... 

MAMA MOMENT #7

In the chaos that surrounds us this week, Lady has taken charge of her own "to do" tasks. (like mother like daughter)
#1. She weened herself from her swaddle... no assistance required. I was planning on "attempting to ween" her next week and had prepped myself for a long hard road. Thanks for taking charge Lady.
#2. Learned to waste at least 1 hour of her nap sitting up by herself and playing in her crib. Eventually she falls asleep in some calk-eyed position. Usually with her legs up in the air resting on the bumper pads.
#3. Figured out how to pull herself to standing in the crib. Yes I freaked out when I got out of the shower and found her just chillaxing and checking out the view from her new lookout point. Time to lower the mattress again.

Who knows, by Saturday-- if I keep leaving her alone maybe she'll crawl just to spite me. Maybe that's just how our relationship is going to work... "When I quit pushing.... Lady will start doing." Dang how I love her soooo much that it's hard not to be all over her 24-7 though!

WELL WORTH THE WAIT...

Mothers Day.

Used to dread it, hate it, feel sorry for myself. (which this year I wondered why? It's just 1 day a year that we "celebrate" mother's... I don't get mad when we celebrate Veterans day because I'm not a Vet. Or Memorial day because I'm not dead. So why did I always get so upset over it?)

This year was perfection. I didn't feel silly at church when they handed out gifts, I completely expected the breakfast that was prepared for me. I was in 7th heaven. Kday even commented on how much more enjoyable this holiday is now. Poor guy, used to get the wrath of an infertile woman. Walking on eggshells on Mother's Day is a thing of the past for that sweet man of mine.

This year we celebrated. We didn't celebrate me. We celebrated the chance that we've been given to be parents. We focused on all the crazy little things about motherhood that I adore. No it's not always rainbows and cupcakes... but those MAMA moments, that is what I celebrated this year.

I couldn't take my hands or lips or eyes off Lady all day. She was smothered in kisses, dressed to a T and down right obsessed over all day. She is the strongest person I know. She stood before the Lord and said, "yes, I will leave my fate on Earth to someone else's free agency to decide. I will count on you God to guide and prompt my birth mother to give me an eternal family. But if she choses not to, I will still go and be valiant." Layla took a risk. And I reaped the reward.

Oh how words can not describe how I cherish her. It's as if our hearts beat for each other.

We celebrated with this beautiful print that Kday made for Lady's room. To remind us of how far we've come.

Her signature bird was included... as always.

Kday's oldest sister hosted a superb gathering of food and mingling

Then we enjoyed our Lady love...

Thank you Lady's Birth Angel for sacrificing your own desires for the love and welfare of your beautiful child. You have walked in the footsteps of Christ and your humility and charity are the most precious gifts you have given your angel baby. I will forever celebrate the chance I have to be a mother, but it was because of your willingness to listen to the still small voice of the Lord, who guided you to us. I remember you and Him everyday when I pick up Lady with her arms outstretched for me... I am her Mama. I am in love.

Timing is Everything...

Lady did great at the hearing test today.  Some mild problems with the left ear that could just be caused by the fluid behind her ear... we'll re-test again in 6 weeks. Even if the problems persist, they weren't bad enough to be considered "hearing loss" - more or less those quiet sounds are just a little muffled. Otherwise she PASSED! Yay!
And of coarse, after all the hoop-la of going to the hospital and passing the test what did she decide to do all the way to lunch afterward? BABBLE. Loud and clear, "da da da da, ta ta ta" Nice Lady, I guess a lesson to be learned from you is that you do everything in your own time. You'll talk when you want to say something and you'll crawl when you actually want to bad enough... until then I'll just let you develop at your own pace and stop pressuring you :) Besides, all this work to get you to talk and walk is going to come back to bite me in the butt someday isn't it?

P.S Thanks to my fabul-a-roso Mother In-Law for a tasty lunch at Zupp@s!

294 DAYS

Two hundred and ninety four days of BLISS. 

Well, minus the first few months of colic and me being a total freak... otherwise, bliss. 

She looks so different, yet the same. 

We napped on the couch today together after work. 

I love when she lays on my chest- I know that she can hear my heart beat... it beats for her.

She is Bee-u-ti-full in white.

Her knuffle bunny is her favorite, but for me it's like carrying around a second child 

Hmmm, I hope I get to have a second child.

MY ANGEL - MY SOUL

Dear Layla,
You are my strength, my miracle, my soul. You see the truth of my heart and I know that you understand me in a deep personal way. We connect, through those eyes... we see each other. God sent your strength to our family for a reason we'll someday understand. You allowed yourself to be so vulnerable in order to get to us, you relied on other's choices and free agency to get to me. Your spirit leaves people speechless... but those eyes say it all. Those eyes are my favorite. I love you with the entirety of my heart. 
Love,
Momma

THIS LITTLE PIGGY.... TAIL

Oh my, we've reached a new moment in motherhood. Lady is a bit famous for her amazing hair that stands straight up without any assistance..... but this is a whole new realm to explore. LOVING IT!

MAMA Moment #3 - SO RAD

Last Friday was ONE OF THE BEST DAYS in my short history as A MOM. Everything just worked, flowed, and went perfectly. I got up early in the morning and went for a long run and returned in time to do dishes and laundry (including ironing) and cleaning before Lady woke up at 7am. The morning went smooth as butter during play time and Layla simply fell asleep and slept like a log during her midmorning nap. She woke up in perfect timing with the need to slide out the door and down to the cupcake shop to pick up a treat for Kday's last day at R&R. She slept in the car on the way to pick up dad and we enjoyed a wonderful lunch with Kday's coworkers. I was so lucky to get to see how appreciated he is at work and what an asset he has become to the company. Good lunch with good friends and Layla was a gem. She came with me to the supermarket while we rushed up and down the isles to fill the basket with our listed items. She got really hungry while in the market and while I usually try to feed her before we go, we just didn't have time that day. So I carried her and fed her while pushing the cart, all the while I was also getting a few very important phone calls in. I became a bit more of an attention grabber than I intended and before I knew it people were watching my multitasking skills. I was stopped by a darling little Chinese couple who spoke only broken English and they presented me with a coupon for free baby formula and an attempt to tell me that I was doing an impressive job. Another woman stopped to tell me that she had been watching me talk to Layla as we shopped and she thought it was so great to see me interacting with her and teaching her instead of "just getting the shopping done." (I always get funny looks from people because I totally talk out loud to Layla as we shop and check things off the list.) (And also- by the way didn't feel like a good mom for having to feed her and shop at the same time... so it was a little ironic.) And then best of all a woman stopped us in the bread isle just to comment on how strikingly beautiful Layla is. (I wish I could take credit for that one.) I'M NOT WRITING ABOUT THIS TO BE BOASTFUL! It was just one of those totally RAD days when everything got accomplished and I enjoyed being a mom. We even had time to run home and get the groceries put away before heading off to dinner with Kday. As hard as it is... I love grocery shopping and running errands with Lady. While walking the isles and comparing prices I am SO happy to finally feel comfortable in the baby isle. I no longer have to watch other moms shop for their children's food and yearn to be in their shoes instead of mine. I LOVE being here. It's a new place and it's full of A LOT of new and hard experiences... but they are SO RAD.

MAMA Moment #2

Moments As Motherhood Arrives: MAMA

January 23, 2010- driving in the car with Kday and Layla

Last weekend we were heading down to the SLC Outdoor Retailer Show, Kday in the drivers seat and Layla tucked into her Chicco. I slipped a CD into the dash and we rocked out to the easy listening of Bambi songs. I was half listening to what Kday was saying to me when I realized that we are totally a family. A family driving in a mom car. A mom car with a baby in it and baby CD playing. It was the sound of the baby CD that brought me to the reality of the moment. It was such a funny realization, I felt like such a mom. I loved it.

MOMENTS AS MOTHERHOOD ARRIVED #1

M.A.M.A:

In the last 6 months as a mother I often find myself stopping dead in my tracks and thinking, "Oh my gosh! I am totally a mom right now!" This segment is to chronicle those moments because I LOVE them!

December 31st 2009 - MAMA moment #1:

Driving to SLC to meet up with Kday for a very special lunch date at Ruth's Diner. Lady and I had been running late and I forgot to put the sweater she was going to wear to lunch in the dryer. So while driving down I-15 I was attempting to dry her sweater and socks over the heater vents of the car. I loved it. It seemed like such a "mom" thing to do. I smiled and it made that hard day a little sweeter.

WHO'S YOUR MOMMA?

This is just a little piece of adoption etiquette.

My newest pet peeve is when people say to me, "Oh what color are Layla's moms eyes?" Or, "What does Layla's mom look like?" My conundrum? Do I politely answer there real question being asked which is about Layla's birth mother? Or do I take the opportunity to educate them on the appropriate way of asking about Layla's biological genetics and risk embarrassing them at the same time? Sometimes I chose to respond with, "Well, I have green eyes and I'm 5'4" but Layla's birth mother had brown eyes and is 5'6"." I really don't mean to sound condescending or irritated in my responses, but I get frustrated every time. I know I shouldn't even complain because I'm so lucky to have such a beautiful daughter in my life, but I'd like to be an adoption advocate.

Post Script: My intentions are never to embarrass or create an awkward situation... just to help increase awareness. And there's no hard feelings ever involved :)

A MOTHER'S IDENTITY...

Sday... Growing into motherhood

As a "mother in waiting," I don't think I was ever prepared for the flood of emotions that have swept over me as I've begun this journey of discovery. I took such pride in reading all the "how to" books I could get my grubby hands on. I thought it would somehow prepare me for everything parenthood could throw my direction. I tried to memorize all the developmental milestones and prepare myself to meet the needs of every single whimper. My first few days of motherhood when we were still in California and Layla was still in the NICU, every moment I had with her is etched into my memory perfectly. But the first few months at home left a hazy blur across my mind as the overwhelming reality of motherhood settled into my daily life. All along I had assumed that because I had the innate desire to be a mother it would translate into my natural ability to great at it.

Instead, I realized that I wasn't as natural as I had expected. But with a lot of self reflection, prayers to my Heavenly Father and wonderful conversations with other new mothers, I'm letting go of the self criticism. I'm trying to stop judging myself and accept that it's just who I am. I'm not naturally an easy going "whatever" kind of mom. My natural tendency is to worry about everything being perfect, because I love Layla so much. However, over the last few months I've learned that I probably won't always recognize exactly what Layla needs and exactly when she needs it. That's not what makes me a good mom. What's important is my absolute ability to love Layla and grow into my own skills of motherhood. I'm taking joy in the smallest moments and learning that it's OK that I'll never be a worry-free mom. My awkward moments are becoming more infrequent. My mothering strengths are beginning to unfold from within myself instead of from inside a book. It's different then I expected, but better because it's real. Every day I get a little better and I'm discovering my mothering identity and learning to love what I find.

GIVING THANKS....

I almost feel like writing a blog post is blasphemous because I have so much to be thankful for and no words to describe it. My cup runneth over in every aspect of my life. I am thankful to be here, in this very moment. I'm typing on the computer while listening to Cori Connors new album, watching my dear Kday hold his daughter and feeling like the luckiest person alive. I'm thankful that I will never spend another holiday wishing that Kday and I could share our traditions with our child. I am thankful for the completeness that I feel. I'm thankful for the light in my daughters eyes that sparkle when she smiles and it makes my heart melt. My stomach swarms with butterfly's just thinking about her.

I am most thankful for all the pain I suffered to bring Layla into our home. All the bitter times have made motherhood so much sweeter. When I married Kday I thought that my heart was absolutely full with complete love that was physically possible. And if the Lord's plan was for Kday and I to be all there were to be... that would have been more than enough. But today, there are no words. Total completeness. I never knew the love a mother could have for her children. Now I can understand the love the Lord has for me.

SOME OF MY MOST THANKFUL MOMENTS

And THANK YOU all for your love and support.

PRODUCTIVE

THINGS LAYLA AND I ACCOMPLISHED TODAY:
Up, dressed and ready to go to Target by 8:30am.
Saved $44 on formula and got Layla some black pants
Ate breakfast
Went running with Kashi, Layla, Melissa, Milo, Calvin, and Simon... about 4 miles?
Cleaned the shower
Vacuumed and mopped the whole house
Dusted the baseboards in the living room
4 loads of laundry start to finish and put away
Washed 8 bottles and a sink full of dishes by hand (never had a dishwasher in the 8 yrs of marriage)
Washed out the dog dishes
Edited Kevin's free-lance job
Checked email and updates on blogger
Packed Layla's diaper bag for tomorrow
Gave Layla a bath and put her to bed
Ate dinner with Kday
Planned and carried out Family Home Evening
And wrote this list.

I'm tired. I'm happy. It was a good day.

STOP TRYING SO HARD!!!!!!

WOW! What a difference a day makes.

Has anyone ever told you "you're just trying too hard?"

I heard it ALL THE TIME when I was playing junior tennis. I would work my butt off at workouts and I would study play's and take notes on opponents and I was SO AFRAID OF MAKING A MISTAKE... all just to hear the words "stop trying so hard and JUST PLAY the GAME."

Well, that hot topic is resurfacing and in the last 24 hours I realized that I need to stop trying to live by the rules of a book and stop being afraid to make a mistake and JUST BE the MOM I know how to be. I can already see the difference in Layla and my relationship! We are no longer pushing against each other, rather we're ENJOYING each other. I'm just letting what comes natural lead me through the day and it has been a DREAM! I finally feel like a mom again and so happy. I feel like I did the first day I met little Lady Layla. I'm putting my anxiety away for good and just relaxing into motherhood..... yaaaa.

CONFIDENCE AND INTUITION

First off, I'd like to step down from my soap box and THANK YOU ALL for your loving supportive comments. Secondly I'd like to share my new found feelings on motherhood. In the last 24 hours you have given me the confidence back that I needed. As my dearest friend "the other Shannon" said, "Shan, you need to be calm and have confidence in yourself." I reflected back to the time that I was confident with Lady and when that confidence and self assurance left my side. It was a weekend that Kday was out of town for a bike race and I was left to tend to a 7 week old baby (which I'll admit I thought it would be a breeze) and Lady Layla decided to cry for about 48 hours straight... almost. I finally took her over to my MIL's and let her try to calm her.... to no avail we finally gave up and summed it up to a growth spurt. Ever since that weekend my ability to mother Layla has felt to be in a downward spiral. Her naps have been erratic, her evening screaming fits seemed to have escalated (though still sleeping through the night once she finally goes to sleep) and her ability to suck on a bottle without thrashing about has steadily declined. So I started to freak out, and I started to second guess my ability to care for this dear child. But "TOS (the other shannon) reminded me that I DO know what I'm doing and I CAN do this.... my way. I have been trying so hard to read the books and fit Layla into a mold of a scheduled and tearless baby that I have forgotten to allow my own intuition to step in and lead me. Instead of feeling comfortable wrapping my baby up and carrying her in one arm for a few moments while I accomplish a simple task, I was worried that I better not let her get hooked on being carried. Stupid. I can do this. I've been waiting 8 long years to be a mom and now is my time. NO book is going to tell me what to do. Yes I wish I could figure out why Layla wakes up every 30 minutes during her naps, and yes I would love to know why she hates to eat from her bottle all of a sudden. But for now I'm just going back to the plain simplicity of listening to my own voice and trying my best without holding myself to a standard of having "the happiest baby on the block."

DISCLAIMER

Just me on a soap box for a moment.

I think that books like "baby wise" and "baby whisperer" should come with a disclaimer that reads: "attention mothers, you may do EVERYTHING that we tell you to do in our books, you may READ and re-read and re-read every sentence we write, you may spend sun up to sun down and all the dark hours of the night in between TRYING to follow our counsel PRECISELY for 14 weeks... and your baby will NOT be the happy, peaceful, non crying, scheduled baby that we claim they will be if you do all of the above. You're baby may still be fussy, have melt downs EVERY night, cry for no reason, not eat, and wake up every 30 minutes during their naps during the day. So PLEASE don't feel like failure if that is the case. You can only do so much and the rest is up to the personality traits of your child. You are still a WONDERFUL mother even if you follow our books perfectly and your baby isn't the happiest baby on the block."

I know what you're thinking... she must be doing something wrong, she must not be trying hard enough, she probably isn't doing it the way the book says, or most of all how dare she complain when she's been waiting so long to be a mom. BUT PLEASE don't take this as a complaint of motherhood! Rather a complaint to myself that I shouldn't have expected to be the perfect mom just because I read a couple of books, or for Layla to be the perfect baby just because she is such a miracle. All babies are different and I can only do my best and keep trying to do better every day. I just wish that the books I turn to for help didn't portray the idea of "read this and your baby you'll always know exactly what your baby needs."